To describe where the Lord has taken me in the last 6-7 months is very hard to map out and try to explain. From giving birth in my sweet home and being on top of the world feeling accomplished and extremely blessed by God, to feeling alone in a desert with seemingly not even God caring about where I am at, or wrestling with the issue of whether or not He really loved me and cared for me like He says He does.
My journey of my time in “devastation” or the “desert”
starts in January/February. A newborn +
little sleep + marriage = stress and tension. It equals disconnect. It equals
the feeling of being stuck in a cycle that you feel as though will never
end. Disconnect = lack of intimacy. Lack
of intimacy = lack of feeling truly one. Enter: marital problems that take on a
whole new level when you have a child who needs your love and support as a
couple. The Evil One has begun to feed
on this. Gaining foothold where ever he can: deceit, miscommunications,
distrust and the worst: masking the real issues.
I’ve spent a lot of time here—the desert, with a mask on my
face pretending I’m in lush green Hawaii. A lot. Long before I was married, the
Evil One knew exactly how to tie me down so that I was least effective for
Kingdom work as possible. Taking all the focus off of the power of God and onto
what I can control and accomplish in my own doing and timeline. The worst part
is, once vows are taken, and rings are exchanged, the Evil One will take on a
whole new type of fierce to pull you down and away from each other. Things can
and will get ugly in this fight with the Evil One. Morning after morning,
afternoon after afternoon, evening after evening, there is a wrestling in my
mind. Its battling the thoughts that God can’t be trusted, and the only way to
get me out of this is by my own doing. Oh what pride! The problem with this
kind of thinking is that it only led me to be even more entangled. My desire to be free in the way I envisioned
was so strong that I couldn’t sit back and be patient and allow God to take
action. I needed and wanted it NOW. I didn’t’ care how I got there, but somehow
I was going to get there. My way.
Honestly, this was getting me nowhere. Feeling only farther
and farther away from the Lord. It was as if a wall was up and God couldn’t get
through to me. Then he does this amazing thing where he sees me in my ugliness
and desperateness and just at the right time, through tears and fighting, he
brings a friend into your life who He is going to speak through and give you
just what you need – EVEN if you don’t know it yet.
My dear friend Camie came to me as my accountability
partner. After my many, many tears of pain and hurt through my story, the Lord
showed her my areas of captivity that I could not see myself. I couldn’t even
see beyond my own issues. When I truly began to grasp what was holding me
captive, I didn’t want to let go of it. I didn’t want to give up the control of
how I thought it should be. I couldn’t see past how God would use this to His
good in my life. It seemed nearly
impossible. But we went for it
anyways. Text messages, phone calls,
meetings. Lots of SOS signals were cast out between the both of us.
Only through true accountability and openness of deep issues
was God able to start changing my heart to actually WANT to let go of my
entangled mess and give it to Him to untie. I actually had the desire to stop
wanting to do it on my own. Only God is responsible for this. True
transformation and inner heart changes can only be from God only.
My heart is beginning to feel lifted. Even still with
struggles and failures, my Spirit is longing to please God and allow him to
work in my life with all the control He wants. In fact, it’s through my
failures and repentance to God, my husband and my accountability partner that
the Lord continues to take me deeper! Even through failures, God has shown
himself FAITHFUL!
The Evil One sees my overall success and decides to throw a
curve ball. BAM. More internal mind battles strike again heavy. I can’t sleep
at night. Plagued with thoughts and scenarios that don’t even exist. Dreams
that plague me, and bring about unconscious spiritual warfare. God, in all his
loving kindness, who allowed this all to happen, led me to a previous mentor to
pour out my heart.
I love my mentor, Jess. She is as blunt as I’ll get
out. What I needed to hear, she told me.
And through our conversations and prayer, God led me to even MORE
breakthrough--this time, with my husband behind me. What the Evil One intended
for me—to be more and more entangled in my own mess—the Lord used for good and
even brought in the blessing of my husband’s support in my journey to freedom.
We, as believers, have a tendency to hide what’s really
going on deep inside us in fear of how others will perceive us. Or worst yet,
to expose the shame of our actions.
But stepping back , I have realized that without my
accountability partner and mentor who know every single little detail of my
issues, I would most likely still be so deeply entangled in my mess today. Hiding your issues, and masking your true
identity is only going to leave you more susceptible to the lies of the Evil
One. He will hold you captive and whisper sweet nothings into your ear of how
your control of your situation will get you just where you want to be.
Oh friends there is so much freedom in confession of your
sins and issues to someone you can trust and admire for their Spiritual
maturity. If no one knows where you truly are, your battles and successes, the
Evil One has such a great advantage on you to keep you where you are and never
grow as a mature believer in Jesus Christ. That is exactly what he wants! He
wants you dead to the world as a reflector of God’s glory. Start praying today that God will lead you to
an accountability partner AND a mentor who knows you. The Evil One will have a run for his money
over you. And that is exactly where your journey to freedom begins.
Part 2: Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom.
